Here it goes again

All of today I been trough a war with myself, and I can't keep on pretending that everything is fine. When it clearly isn't fine. I always putting myself down, and then putting a smile on.

The smile is just there to stop people asking me loads of questions, which I never have energy for. Yes I am sad, lonely, angry with myself, and yes I have had thoughts about ending my life.

As well as that I don't want the countless amount of time when people saying that it all in your head, saying that I am special and loved. When I know it in my head. That not the problem.

I am scared due to me not getting any help from anyone for my mental health, along side as I am still waiting for counseling for my grieving, that my suicidal thoughts will be to much to block.

I know that this is to much for people to take on but I just can't lie about it anymore. This is me till I find a way to face on this fight, this is who I am. I am not this upbeat, happy, brave 21 year old that everybody thinks I am. I am this weak, shy girl who is very lost in life.

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx