Living life with depression.

I know that this isn't a a day in a life blog. However as I know that as this is a topic that some people who don't have it themselves find it hard to understand, and that is depression.

Now I have got depression and I been living with it for over five year however dispute having for that long I  only been realising hiding it and not talking about it wasn't helping my health mentally. I was holding it back from my close friends and family.

When I first explained there was people out there that said it mental and you shouldn't allow yourself to get that low. Like I wish that I can just block it out, but living with depression, that just don't happen. You can't just stop these thoughts from coming in. It more about accepting that these thoughts are there and you have to deal with them.

Also it doesn't help that on January 24th somebody close to me passed away, and it put more damaging thoughts into my Brain. Suicidal thoughts as well as self harming. Thankfully that I never carried out those thoughts of killing myself but they have been time when I cried myself to sleep because I couldn't do it.

Due to tough time at high school and also a very young age that there a triggers that don't help me especially when I am in a very low and sensitive state. I know sometimes people don't know what they just said or done was very hurtful to me and I understand that they can't help it but then they are times where they could of said it different but still get the same message across.

I know that the friends are really supportive but there are times where even though you think people with depression want people around. However that isn't the case, most of the time I want or need to be alone, and it not because I don't love them, I do. But I need alone time to relax as depression is stressful and me, stress and people don't go well. As well there are times that I feel unwanted or not needed, like I know I am wanted but it just thought clogging up my thoughts on that day or moment in time.

There are things that annoys me and I going to list them below.

• If you get out more you feel better. No I don't I see these people smiling, laughing having fun and always wonder why I don't have that level of happiness.
• You are better! Yes but in five second I might want to throw myself of the nearest bridge or crying over a cup of tea for no reason in bed. Like depression isn't one of those things where it your better now things. It one of those I'm coping at the moments.
• People do love you though. Like I know that but depression won't let you think it. It not me who controlling my thought at this time, it is the depression who controlling my thoughts.
• Put on make up, you feel better. No I don't feel worse, I wear make up if I feel like it but I don't enjoy wearing it.
• Do you want to talk about it? Asking this, makes me feel like you are forcing me to talk about it and I personal find it hard to express my feeling especially when I feel forced.
• It will passed. Like I know but for now it here.

People always say to talk about my feeling but from a young age I found it hard to show or express feeling. Doesn't mean I don't have them it means that I might show them in a different way, and because of this people misunderstand me.